High Five For Jesus!

2002-12-29T23:43:00.000-08:00

I saw Jesus today and he told me to inform you all that God says no.

Welcome cult member Chris. You must be hazed. Where are my castration hedgeclippers...?

2002-12-28T09:08:00.000-08:00

Wow. This must be some supa crazy blog cult 'cause I just realized I'm somehow a member...

2002-09-16T19:34:00.000-07:00

What if jesus' name were really "heysoos" and he just broke into cars?

2002-09-14T20:47:00.000-07:00

We decidedly ran out of things to say about Jesus. Either that or we are thinking of more things to say about Jesus.

2002-04-22T21:47:00.000-07:00

Jesus owned a hotel. He called his hotel the Holy Arms Hotel. In his hotel there was a bar. He made specialty drinks like "sex on the beach". They were all free. You could take his towels also.

In the lobby Jesus pimped out his hoes to the business men and there were drinks sitting around everywhere. It was so fun and nobody wanted to leave. Jesus IS cool like that. But then he called the cops and kicked those freeloaders out.

2002-04-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

I bet jesus is like the friend who lets everyone freeload. You can open his fridge and start eating his food and drinking his beer and he'd let you because Jesus is cool like that.

2002-04-13T18:55:00.000-07:00

"YES! I know exactly where I was and who was there. And it was at church with Jesus."
hehe

2002-04-10T00:46:00.000-07:00

That reminds me of a song!

"Homie was a white boy. He had no clue what was going on in his life. He had an afro, but that's okay 'cause the bitches loved him with his HUGE PACKAGE!"

I bet Jesus had a lot of kids. If he were still alive, he'd be on every Jenny Jones that had to do with finding the real father of your baby.

"Do you know who the father might be?"
"YES! IT WAS JESUS!"
"Are you sure?"
"YES! I know exactly where I was and who was there. And it was at church with Jesus."

2002-04-03T20:28:00.000-08:00

Yeah... he probably ate meat. But what I wonder is if he was.. er... well endowed. I mean, he is the son of God... I bet he had a pretty good sized package.

2002-04-01T17:36:00.000-08:00

Well, yeah, I guess they are vinyl. But they have the blue snake skin print on them.

Do you think Jesus eats meat?

2002-04-01T15:11:00.000-08:00

I thought they were vinyl pants.

2002-03-31T22:35:00.000-08:00

nombreestupido: i didn't know jesus wore pants
modesto720: he does
modesto720: and he likes them
nombreestupido: i thought he just wore a muumuu type thing
modesto720: NO
modesto720: he wears pants
modesto720: snake skin ones
modesto720: damnit

2002-03-31T20:15:00.000-08:00

Why I do believe Jesus would shit his pants.

2002-03-31T19:17:00.000-08:00

It's one of those Jesus days again. Woo.. go Jesus and stuff. But have you realized that Easter is in March this year?!?!?! Hasn't it always been in April?!?!??!! Wasn't Jesus resurected in April? Are people just trying to make Easter convenient?

I DON'T LIKE THIS LAZINESS WHEN IT COMES TO JESUS! WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?!?!?!

2002-03-25T20:50:00.000-08:00

I bet Jesus wouldn't like it either... I bet he'd personally smack you upside the head for disrespecting him

2002-03-24T16:51:00.000-08:00

Yup. I got all 5-14 deciples.

Did you know that the Army will whip you with a pillow case full of soap if you talk smack about Jesus? I think they'll just shoot you in the face.

2002-03-22T07:11:00.000-08:00

psalm codes?

2002-03-20T15:28:00.000-08:00

I got hoes in different psalm codes.

2002-03-19T21:07:00.000-08:00

hot-sauce powered drill... damn that sounds sexy.

2002-03-18T20:04:00.000-08:00

ah, what an interesting place

2002-03-18T19:34:00.000-08:00

I'm begining to think that our dear friend Joshua Blake does not want to join us... I'm sorry josh, but I'm afraid that heaven's gates are no longer open to you.

2002-03-17T19:36:00.000-08:00

What would Jesus do?

-Go insane
-Go insane and slam himself on a cross
-Go insane and slam his car into the side of a Taco Bell
-Go insane, slam himself on a cross while driving into the side of Taco Bell, steal the key to the men's bathroom, run in, lock the door, drill a hole in the wall with a hotsauce-powered drill, take out the pipes as a calling card, and drive off in a stolen El Camino toward Mexico.

Gamete0: haha.. I guess you're talking about Jesus Rodriguez

I could very well be.

2002-03-15T20:45:00.000-08:00

And remember the man who killed my father and track him down to some sleazy bar out in the middle of the desert. As he is walking to his car I put my hand on his shoulder. Then the Alfred hitchcock angle as he turns around and says "Jesus???" and then I'd stab him in the stomach, put him in his car, douse him in gasoline, then throw my lit cigarette at him setting his car ablaze. Then I'd calmly walk away, get in my 1965 Malibu and drive off a cliff... but i'm jesus.

2002-03-15T19:24:00.000-08:00

If I were Jesus, I'd get a name tag on a worker coat that said "Jesus", except I'd pronounce it the Spanish way. HEYSOOS! Oh yeah, then I'd steal a car. I'd go drive it down a major highway really fast so that a cop would pull me over. I'd be smoking a J, roll down the window... "Hello officer. I believe you are wasting your precious time, for I am Jesus." Then I'd flip him the bird, roll my window back up, and speed down the highway toward Reno.

I'd use X-Ray vision to see through the cards in Black Jack. I am going to Reno after all. Lady Luck would always on my side because I am Jesus.

2002-03-14T19:40:00.000-08:00

If I were Jesus, I'd use my X-Ray vision to see through women's clothes.

2002-03-13T16:39:00.000-08:00

On the subject of masturbation: Jesus can please many a person. Jesus likes pleasing the ladies most of all. That's why he made his own trademark dildo named "Jackhammer Jesus". If you like Jesus, and you like sex, then this is the perfect thing for you!

2002-03-12T09:19:00.000-08:00

Sure he smoked... and drove a van. Sort of like cheech and chong, or scooby doo. In fact, Jesus' gang and the Scooby gang were rivals. Jesus bust a cap in shaggys ass after shaggy flashed him a scooby snack.

2002-03-11T22:32:00.000-08:00

Do you think Jesus smoked a little? Maybe he smoked, blacked out, woke up, and thought everything he wrote in the bible happened to him. But in fact, it was a dream. MAYBE (just maybe) I am Jesus...

2002-03-11T20:02:00.000-08:00

I bet Jesus had a really cool van...

2002-03-11T17:48:00.000-08:00

If I were Moses, I'd play strip poker in Jesus' tent. He gets all the bitches, you know. All in the name of God.

2002-03-10T23:33:00.000-08:00

It's been said that God kills a kitten every time you masturbate.
I've saved 20 kittens in the past 15 days, what have you done in the name of God?